When she’s not busy snacking, that is. And sometimes during. — Honestly, I tend not to reference myself in the third person — as though I am some omnipresent narrator observing myself from a faux leather recliner somewhere, a bowl of sweet and salty popcorn perched in my lap. To me, that would be like commentating the life of a parallel…

And if you do — have you been emailing my mom? — 1. At 17 months old, I was diagnosed as an overthinker. No, literally. My mom explained how I was overly cautious with all of my tiny person movements and the doctor replied, “yeah, she’s an overthinker.” Jokes on me. It’s incurable. 2. I’ve got “write here, write now” tattooed onto my arm. For two reasons. One, I am wholly obsessed by the concept of time. I live by it (as we all…

A poem about inanimate things — The grater is feeling great today, But the spatula’s had a bit of spat. The toaster’s holding champagne to the sky, And the microwave’s waving right back. The freezer’s being a bit frosty though, Probably cos the kettle has come home steaming. …

How to apply each to each area of your life — Mixed your colours in the wash again, and now all your white Cuphead merch tops are 1 of 50 shades of grey? F*ck it. Grey is so in right now. Ever seen any modern-made home in the UK ever? It’s everything. The paper and cardboard recycling box in desperate need…

And no, your cat didn’t write this — Your cat knows the im-paw-tance of rest — he does it for 17 hours a day. Your cat knows the real value of the economy — she hasn’t paid her way a day in her life. Your cat knows productivity is a myth — unless doing nothing still counts as…

3 pillars of deathliness — 14th of May he passed away. A terrible day. The skies were grey. Not a single sun-ray. My heart wished we were in the middle of some tragic play. One that would end. And life would resume again. But even Shakespeare himself said, “all the world’s a stage.” Life is…